Customers? Phht, who needs them?? All they do its e-mail, call, pester you with questions and buy your stuff making you spend your valuable time boxing and shipping stuff you bought to them… Seriously who needs all that hassle!?
So without any further time wasting here are four ways to rid yourself of pesky customers in no particular order.
1. Don’t waste money on a Dedicated SSL Certificate, that way when people go to your checkout they can freak out when the url in their address bar changes when they click “Checkout”. Having the same url throughout your whole site just builds confidence in your store and product and convinces people to buy stuff from you, who wants that? Annoying.
2. Write product descriptions and page titles so that its hard to know what it is your selling. Specificity and clarity is hard work and will only make people find you and then convince them they need to buy from you. In ProStores they make it easier by creating your page title from the first four words in your products name, but don’t give in! Spend that time better by scrubbing out the toilet or vacuuming under that couch you’ve not touched in 6 years.
3. Don’t optimize and name your product images properly. Sizing product images properly and saving them with reasonable file sizes is a pain, so it takes 40-50 sec for those 3000×2400 images to load up. So? Its just easier to upload them right off the cd or digital camera.
Naming the product images with file names that match what is on the picture will just make your page more relevant on the search engines and just takes more of your valuable time, as well as clogging up your web server’s internet tubes. Skip it I say!
4. Leave that Add to Cart button at the bottom of the page all nice and hidden from your customers. Along with your quantities entry box. Putting those above the fold will just make your life miserable with all those annoying orders and trips to the UPS store.
Whew! That was a lot of work, I’m not sure why I wrote it, I guess I could have just continued my game of GemCraft… Well I hope you people are doing this stuff above. Make your life easier! Heed my words, and answer these questions three.. oh wait, thats a movie..